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! REPORT
The Spoon Monologue
3D Render by MoogeeThis is Hal. Hal is a stand-up comedian who will be soon bringing his one man show - Hal Yeah! - to Animate Town.
"You ever stare at a spoon too long?
No, really. Like really stare at a spoon? It stops being a utensil and starts being a tiny, reflective shovel that knows all your secrets. I did that once. Three hours. Missed my cousin's wedding. But I did find out I have an oddly symmetrical nose, so… trade-off?
But the thing about spoons is — they’re liars. Everyone says they’re safe, right? “Oh Hal, you can’t hurt yourself with a spoon!Ever tried eating cereal in the middle of an emotional breakdown? That’s not a utensil — that’s a chrome-coated existential reminder that your milk-to-crunch ratio is off and so is your life.
And why do spoons bend in movies when people are psychic? Why not a fork? Or a spatula? What if you had telekinetic powers but only strong enough to rotate a melon baller? That’s not a superpower. That’s a party trick at a fruit salad funeral.
Anyway, I went on a date last week.
She told me she was an “energy healer.Which sounds cool until I realized she meant she screams at Tupperware and asks how its aura is doing.
She also believed that the moon is a surveillance device built by lizards. Which… is fine. I’ve been on worse dates. One woman told me she could smell guilt. She looked me dead in the eyes and said, “You left a goldfish to die in 2004.She was right.
His name was Simon. He flopped out of the tank trying to escape a Justin Timberlake song. I still think about him. Sometimes when it rains. Simon that is, not Justin.
The point is — dating is hard.
But it’s especially hard when you're 89% neurosis, 7% hair product, and 4% “whoops I forgot deodorant again.Do you know how I flirt? I over-explain the history of bubble wrap. That's not sexy. That's a TED Talk no one asked for.
You know what else isn’t sexy? Telling someone you once tried to make your own toothpaste using coconut oil and sadness. No recommendo.
But here’s the thing I’ve learned:
Life isn’t about being normal. It’s about knowing just enough weird things that people mistake you for being interesting instead of unwell.
It’s not about blending in. It’s about walking into the room like you invented shoelaces and then pretending like you’re not wildly disappointed by how few people noticed.
And yes, I still talk to spoons. They don’t talk back, but they listen.
That’s more than I can say for my therapist. She started charging me per metaphor.
Anyway… hug your forks tonight. They’re the real heroes.
Oh, and FYI, Simon the goldfish lived a full life and died surrounded by seaweed and Beyoncé.
Thank you. Goodnight.:
"You ever stare at a spoon too long?
No, really. Like really stare at a spoon? It stops being a utensil and starts being a tiny, reflective shovel that knows all your secrets. I did that once. Three hours. Missed my cousin's wedding. But I did find out I have an oddly symmetrical nose, so… trade-off?
But the thing about spoons is — they’re liars. Everyone says they’re safe, right? “Oh Hal, you can’t hurt yourself with a spoon!Ever tried eating cereal in the middle of an emotional breakdown? That’s not a utensil — that’s a chrome-coated existential reminder that your milk-to-crunch ratio is off and so is your life.
And why do spoons bend in movies when people are psychic? Why not a fork? Or a spatula? What if you had telekinetic powers but only strong enough to rotate a melon baller? That’s not a superpower. That’s a party trick at a fruit salad funeral.
Anyway, I went on a date last week.
She told me she was an “energy healer.Which sounds cool until I realized she meant she screams at Tupperware and asks how its aura is doing.
She also believed that the moon is a surveillance device built by lizards. Which… is fine. I’ve been on worse dates. One woman told me she could smell guilt. She looked me dead in the eyes and said, “You left a goldfish to die in 2004.She was right.
His name was Simon. He flopped out of the tank trying to escape a Justin Timberlake song. I still think about him. Sometimes when it rains. Simon that is, not Justin.
The point is — dating is hard.
But it’s especially hard when you're 89% neurosis, 7% hair product, and 4% “whoops I forgot deodorant again.Do you know how I flirt? I over-explain the history of bubble wrap. That's not sexy. That's a TED Talk no one asked for.
You know what else isn’t sexy? Telling someone you once tried to make your own toothpaste using coconut oil and sadness. No recommendo.
But here’s the thing I’ve learned:
Life isn’t about being normal. It’s about knowing just enough weird things that people mistake you for being interesting instead of unwell.
It’s not about blending in. It’s about walking into the room like you invented shoelaces and then pretending like you’re not wildly disappointed by how few people noticed.
And yes, I still talk to spoons. They don’t talk back, but they listen.
That’s more than I can say for my therapist. She started charging me per metaphor.
Anyway… hug your forks tonight. They’re the real heroes.
Oh, and FYI, Simon the goldfish lived a full life and died surrounded by seaweed and Beyoncé.
Thank you. Goodnight.:
What a story *rofl* absolute fantastic!
But never underestimate a spoon, NEVER!
Look it up at youtube, spoons are weapons O_O
The Horribly Slow Murderer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon by Richard Gale
But never underestimate a spoon, NEVER!
Look it up at youtube, spoons are weapons O_O
The Horribly Slow Murderer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon by Richard Gale
REPLY
! REPORT
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)
Alan Rickman as the Sheriff of Nottingham says:
[the Sheriff has said he'll cut out Robin Hood's heart with a spoon]
Guy of Gisborne: Why a spoon, cousin? Why not an axe?
Sheriff of Nottingham: Because it's DULL, you twit. It'll hurt more.
Alan Rickman as the Sheriff of Nottingham says:
[the Sheriff has said he'll cut out Robin Hood's heart with a spoon]
Guy of Gisborne: Why a spoon, cousin? Why not an axe?
Sheriff of Nottingham: Because it's DULL, you twit. It'll hurt more.
REPLY
! REPORT
The Spoon Monologue
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