I try to reach out to you, but I'm scared. I'm scared of you. For the 1st time in my life, I fear approaching you. I try to pick you up. Call for help. Find some way, any way, to make things better.

Even when this sight is beyond my control, my mind knows, though I can't admit it. What I see before me is far beyond compatible with life. My body is boiling. Terror, paralysis, confusion and helplessness pour over me. My mind keeps searching for something that could change all this. It doesn't want to accept that there might be nothing left to do.

I sit helplessly, stunned, frozen. All I can do is think: She knew me, had her own memories of our time together. She carried a version of me that nobody else could ever possess, and now I'll never get to know what that version of me meant to her.

My mind continues to reel in horror and terror....10 seconds....20 seconds....30 seconds....1 minute.....5 minutes. I have already begun living my life without her, yet I can't fully grasp or quantify what has just happened.

My mind, heart and soul have long since fallen into a timeless void before I hear the words, "Let's go." I hear the words, but I can't help but stay still.

"I know...I know, but we have to go now."

The voice leaves and fades into the quiet.

Here I am alone, just you and me. The silence between us is as deafening as any bomb or explosion you can muster.

I slowly and so gently place your head back down, and slowly draw my hand from underneath you. I see your eyes staring blankly into the distance. Before I leave, I try to close your eyes, but it's all in vain. Your eyes locked open, frozen. Not being able to do even that for you, my sadness cascades over me more and more, the pain reminding me how truly useless I really am in this moment.

I make a final attempt. At what? I don't know. I place my hand on your head and try to brush a few stray hairs out of your face, because even in these moments, I'm trying my best to make you look just a little bit better.

I whisper to you, "Thank you for everything, thank you for all the memories, for everything, thanks for the comfort, the love and the joy. You are loved...you are loved."

With my mind and body in everlasting defiance, I call your name every single night before bed. You still matter. You are still here with me, in the here and now, I try to tell myself. If I call your name every day, you're not really gone.....right?